An improvement journey is usually made of five phases. In the above image, each individual photo describes the perceived effort required and the internal emotions felt in each of those five phases.
Let’s take a very concrete example: let’s assume someone (you?) has read all the posts within the section on Fundamentals (index), and decided to put the actionable recommendations I provide into action. In this case, this is what your improvement journey will probably look like:
At the very beginning, you feel good about your good intentions to take action and improve yourself. Just like in the picture, you have some good resolutions, an ideal end-objective, and some rough idea of what to do to get there: yeah!
It’s only normal here to somewhat underestimate the real size of the task and the global amount of effort required. In some extreme examples, think of a guy watching Michael Phelps effortlessly win eight gold medals at the Olympic games, and then picturing himself at the swimming pool, effortlessly swimming just like him – it looks so easy when Phelps does it. Or think of a guy watching Lionel Messi do some of his magic with the ball, and then picturing himself getting a ball and effortlessly performing the same kick-ups. Foot, foot, chest, foot, head, foot, shoulder, foot, knee, etc. – it looks so easy when Messi does it.
This phase includes all people who joined the gym as a New Year’s resolution, and all people who decided to start cycling to work to do some daily exercise rather than commuting by car, and all people who decided to learn a new language within a year, etc. They all have some good resolutions, an ideal end-objective, and some rough idea of what to do to get there… yeah!
This phase is where things can go wrong in terms of using Visualization the wrong way. And as a side note, all the feel-good male-hamstering upvote-baiting posts are written for guys in here.
Then you start going through the details of whatever it is which is required to improve the skills/traits you wanted to improve. And it looks just like in the picture above, like climbing a vertical cliff with not so many easily-reachable handholds for you to use: you now realise that this task isn’t as easy as you initially thought.
This is where the initial screening happens, and the guys who are not determined enough to put in the required level of effort just end up leaving. Remember the guy who wanted to swim like Michael Phelps? He goes to the swimming pool, only to realise after two lanes that his heart is about to explode, his muscles are aching, and he’s already much more tired than he was expecting; but rather than spending a few months improving his swimming skills, he just decides he can’t be bothered and leaves. Remember the guy who wanted to juggle the ball like Lionel Messi? He goes to the football pitch, attempts to do some kick-ups, finds out that he’s just not good at it, and he even trips over the ball once. Then, rather than spending a few months improving his kick-up skills, he decides he just can’t be bothered and leaves. And so on.
The guy who joined the gym the first week of January? He goes there the first time and finds out that there are more people than he was expecting, and that lifting weights with proper technique is more difficult than he though. The following time he gets diverted by a movie he was watching and doesn’t go, another time it’s raining and he doesn’t feel like it, yet another time he’s feeling lazy. Eventually he realises that he doesn’t fancy going to the gym anymore, and that the annual membership he already paid for “is not so expensive overall”, and he just stops going.
The guy who decided to start cycling to work? He actually cycles to work once, only for him to realise that it’s quite tiring to start the day like that, and that he needs a lot of time to shower at work before going upstairs at the desk, and that it’s quite a lot of inconvenience overall. The following time he was planning to cycle it rains, then another time he has an “important meeting” and prefers not to arrive at work tired, and eventually he just can’t be bothered anymore and starts commuting by car again. Etc. Cases like these are endless.
Going back to our initial example, let’s say you just went through all the posts in the section on Fundamentals, which may well be 60,000 words or more in total. In this modern age of extremely synthetic “social” communication, already going through that amount of material would be a small feat on itself. Then, after all that reading, you realise that those 60,000 words are just my top-level knowledge on the matter, and that you have to do a lot of extra reading by yourself of the sources provided in the Links section. And you also realise that my recommendations are not directly applicable to you on traits where we may differ (e.g. hair type, skin type, etc), and in that case you will need to start the research from scratch on your own. And you also realise that a lot of follow-up research and follow-up testing is required, for instance finding the right clothes to go with the target Style you selected, while making sure they are of the right Fit and the right Fabrics, etc. It’s a hell of a lot of work indeed!
Quite a few guys won’t go any further than this phase, because one they have realised the actual size of the task, they will just chicken out there and then. The guys who are strong-willed enough to put in the required effort though, those will indeed feel like climbing that vertical cliff at this point of the journey: they are literarily overwhelmed by info to absorb, things to focus on, research to do. But as we said already multiple times, an important barrier to entry is actually a good thing for the few strong-willed guys decided to go all the way.
This phase is very much enjoyable, and the strong-willed guys who reach this phase are now making progress on the different aspects they wanted to focus their effort on.
In the example on Fundamentals, those guys are now looking for the right hairdresser and they have possibly found it already, they have developed a new routine of going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week religiously, they have created a Diet Plan, they are getting enough sleep, they start to dress in a sexy masculine way, they look for opportunities to step out of their comfort zone and work on their Inner Core Vibe, they practice the conscious body movements that can give their Vibe an immediate boost, the keep sharpening their Social Calibration, etc.
If you are one of the guys who reach this phase, both you and the people around you will start noticing changes in the way you look and the way you behave. The results in terms of image are now clearly starting to show, and you feel satisfied for taking care of yourself, working on both your image and your personality. Satisfied but still working damn hard to improve even more.
This phase is just great. And possibly at this point you are not approaching girls yet, and this is fine as long as it’s only for a very short while, just the time to work on yourself peacefully without going through the grinder of approaching and dating in general.
Different guys will experience this phase in different ways. Guys who have never stopped approaching girls will go through this phase differently compared to guys who have taken one or two months off to focus on self-improvement only, and this phase will have a harsher impact on this latter group of guys.
When I went back into the Sexual Market Place roughly 30 months ago now, I never stopped approaching girls for six months straight, and all the way during those six months (and afterwards) I kept working on myself. Phase 4 caught up with me around the six-month mark, progressively.
The keyword in this phase is bitterness. You have come a long way, you have put in a lot of effort, you have dedicated yourself completely to self-improvement and seduction for a few months, but you aren’t getting the results you were hoping for, and most importantly, you aren’t getting the results you think you should get.
Guys, let’s be honest here: whether you are interested in getting a girlfriend and having a happy LTR together, or whether instead you prefer having two or three girls you casually see without any reciprocal commitment, or whether you “just” want to sleep with as many girls as possible, fact is, it’s not easy for anyone!!
Maybe in the past it was easier, or maybe not. I don’t know, and I don’t care. No point in looking backwards, since we live in the present, and this is where we look at. And in the present, things are tough for the brave men navigating the modern dating market in a non-submissive way.
Sure, it must be difficult on the other side as well, possibly girls aren’t happy of modern dating either. But girls, let’s just swap the dating market forces for one day, and you’ll be able to see what is like for a guy to be in the modern dating market. Spoiler alert: in this hypothetical example where the dating market forces are reversed for just one day, you girls may be relieved once the dynamics are moved back to what they really are. I should not have spoiled that for you, damn it!!
Going back talking to the guys, during your improvement journey you will eventually hit a wall of bitterness. There is no getting away from it. When you approach girls, when you ask them out, when you invite them back to your place, when you start escalating things at your place, etc, all the way you are always at the receiving end of a constant feedback process. As you may have figured out by now, sometimes this feedback process is positive (e.g. girl reacting well to your approach, girl accepting your date invitation, etc), most of the times is negative. Very simple, very real. Without elaborating this point any further here (I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about), let’s just say that, at some point, everyone has a moment when they want to throw in the towel.
Guys going the player route will reconsider whether to actually get a girlfriend and behave in a more conventional way. Guys who are really horny and need sex will start considering going for a cash transaction. Guys who want a girlfriend but aren’t able to secure one will start thinking whether it’s the case to behave more submissively, just like they guy they saw today with his own girlfriend, who in all fairness seemed to be treating him more like her son or her dog rather than her boyfriend. Etc. These considerations pup up in guys’ mind when their plan is not working as expected, they are not getting the results they wanted and think they deserve, and they end up feeling bitter because as a result.
Roughly six months into my journey I got really fed-up: I was getting some results, but not the ones I wanted; most girls were clearly attracted to me, but were interested in my attention only (still true to this day); and I was experiencing in first person the ridiculously-low consideration and leverage modern guys have when it comes to intersexual dynamics. Guys, this blog is based on reality, not on dreams nor on pure imagination, so let me tell you that at some point I got completely bitter. I had had enough. More than enough. That was pretty much around the time when I decided to write nightgame off for good, labelling it as a clear waste of my time. I was bitter, and not happy of how things were going.
This bitterness phase is the second level of screening, with the first one being the “vertical cliff” we saw in Phase 2. In my own case, instead of throwing in the towel, I decided to do something different about the situation. After talking to a friend of mine with relevant experience on the matter, I started travelling to Russia. I will cover this in the future, but for now let’s just say the following: Russia is a place of extremes, and if on one side you will find the most hardcore Gold Diggers present on this planet Earth, on the other side you will find some of the sweetest and most feminine girls alive. These girls will restore your faith in women, or at least they surely did it for me. And it wasn’t even just a matter of sex, since those girls aren’t what the PUAs would refer to as “easy lays”. To me is was a matter of feeling appreciated as a masculine man, as someone who takes charge, as someone who doesn’t need to neg, etc. It was a matter of approaching girls who had made some effort into looking good and feminine, without wearing the white Stan Smith which at some point during this journey I started to resent. And why did I start to resent the white Stan Smith? Because those white sneakers, and other equivalent shoes, are the clear symbol of girls who don’t need to put in any real effort to secure a man/male attention/male validation, and they can afford to go out in the city as if they were going to the gym (luckily not all girls are like that even in Europe, but the trend is clear, especially with the young girls).
I overcame the bitterness typical to this phase in that way, and then I decided to refocus my seduction efforts primarily where I live. Some different people will be able to overcome their bitterness in other ways, and some people will just throw in the towel. This phase is tough, an important screening mechanism takes place here. And if you are one of the guys who has never gone through any of this bitterness, then I’m not quite sure you even exist in the real world, you must be an imaginary figure.
More than a phase on increased success, is a phase of increased acceptance.
First of all, there are some things you can do to improve your own self-perception and the perception you have on women. Me, I wrote off both online dating and nightgame as a self-defence mechanism, and for efficiency purposes as well. In this day and age, intersexual dynamics are heavily skewed towards one side, and both online dating and nightgame just bring this phenomenon to an extreme (especially online dating, as we saw already here).
In online dating men are treated purely as commodities, and nightgame is a close second to that. Cute girls in online dating are just spoiled with choice, and can afford to aim at guys with top-Looks only (as we saw here). Cute girls in nightlife seem to go out just to have fun with their group of regular friends, or to catch up with friends they have not seen in long time, or to have a few drinks offered by a stranger they won’t even give their number to (quick fix: never ever offer any drink to any girl who is not in a date with you), or to have the relevant material needed to share a few selfies and a few stories online, you get the idea. We will see it in due time, but the summary of my nightgame activities is that girls were very much happy to be talking with me, very much happy about it, but not interested in moving our interaction any further. They were out just to have a fun night with their friends, the times when girls needed to dress up and go to the bar to meet new guys are long gone. Possibly in a big international city the situation is a bit better (possibly, I don’t have direct experience there), but in most places nightgame is just not very efficient, and actually I don’t really like nightlife to start with. Hence, both online dating and nightgame were written off, and I decided to meet girls during the day only.
There are still quite a lot of rejections in daygame, since cute girls keep having as many options and as much validation as they want even without you, but the “man as a commodity” aspect is much less present, and the interactions tend to be more human and more efficient in terms of identifying potentially interested girls. To me, getting rid of those two displeasing environments to meet girls was the first step towards acceptance. YMMV, since maybe you love nightlife independently of the girls in there. We are all different, and each of us needs to take appropriate actions which work best for him.
The second step to acceptance is literarily acceptance of the unchangeable things in your life. I’m not talking just of the unchangeables related to Fundamentals here, but mainly of the unchangeables in terms intersexual dynamics and social conditioning where you live. Say 50 years ago, masculinity wasn’t something to be ashamed of, men needed to be strong and take care of their families, broken things were fixed rather than thrown away, and marriages had a different and more meaningful meaning. But you live your life right now, not 50 years ago. Also, in different geographies men have the upper hand when it comes to dating, just like women have the upper hand in the Western world (and trust me I know what I’m talking about). But if wherever you live that isn’t the case, then all that is irrelevant to you. Also, if you were born looking just like a male model, you would be killing it on Tinder. But you were not born looking like that, and you are not hitting the 99+ notification any time soon. Etc. All those are things we cannot change, hence the sooner you accept them for whatever they are, the better.
Let’s go back to me and Russia. At some point, I decided that I couldn’t be in stand-by mode where I live, and focus all my seduction activity in a foreign country, for 10 days every two months. I then decided to refocus my primary effort where I live, since there is no point in remaining in stand-by for 50 days before going for what needs to be the “perfect” holiday in a far-away Country. I still travel there sometimes (holiday there with a FWB coming soon), but only as an add-on to whatever I’m doing here where I’m based. And here where I’m based, things work in a certain way, hence no point in thinking that “I should be getting better results”, or that “women just have it easier”. It’s like that, I can’t change those things myself, hence I just accept them and skew the odds in my favour, leveraging what I can pragmatically do in order to improve my situation. Talking of which, after getting rid of the displeasing environments to meet women, the only way to skew the odds in your favour is to max out your Fundamentals, and approach. Reference memories and previous experience will come in handy to identify girls who may react better to your approach, and in this way you skew the odds in your favour even more.
When it comes to Fundamentals, if you have put in the required effort to max them out, and assuming your initial baseline is at least acceptable, at some point the only deal breaker to your seduction efforts will be her sexual availability. And to some extent, this is even more frustrating than getting rejected because not deemed attractive enough, but you just accept this as well. Bitterness is a distant memory in this phase. Fact is, if you have really maxed out your Fundamentals, enhanced your Looks, fixed your Inner Core Vibe, and enhanced your Social Calibration, then life will be just more pleasant, with or without a fixed girlfriend, with or without sleeping with two new girls every week, etc. I talk based on my experience only, but at the moment that’s how I feel.
Thanks to my Looks and my Vibe I generate some initial attraction/interest, then thanks to my Social Calibration I run a few little shows when I feel like it, and I get a lot of sweet feminine energy in return. I’m just having too much fun at the moment, but you also need to consider that I’m not an ordinary person, and the kind of fun I have may be “fun” based on my unordinary standards. In this reality, “outcome independence” and “abundance mentality” are not something to be assumed, they are the reality itself. Girls are completely secondary in this reality: at the moment I “only” have one FWB, last summer I had another one, but that’s perfectly fine to me. I just don’t go for quantity, and I’m not interested in hook-ups in the slightest, since I prefer to have a more profound human connection even for light and non-committal relationships. I feel like I’ve finally learnt how to fly like that eagle, above all the daily noise which surrounds me, above the trivialities of life, and above externalities like getting X girls per year. I launched this blog two months ago and it’s just a fantastic experience, every single moment of my free time I spend it writing posts. I’m completely absorbed by this new hobby of mine and I love it. Eventually this passion will go down, like it happened for all the previous things so far, and I will be extremely eager to ramp up something else, and that will be another fantastic journey, etc.
Right now, I’m happy mainly because I’m in full control of my happiness, and I don’t let things like e.g. a missed job promotion or a girl not replying to my text have the slightest effect on my internal happiness. Sure, I won’t be impressed in both cases were they to happen, and I will take the relevant needed actions in cold blood, but I won’t let those things affect my internal emotions for more than a few seconds. The key thing to remember about happiness is to not outsource it, meaning not to put it in someone else’s hands. Both in the case of securing a job promotion or getting a date, as long as you require someone else’s approval in your way to happiness, you are extremely likely to end up disappointed in the end.
A corollary to this is not to have expectations on people. If you don’t expect anything from anybody, nobody can ever disappoint you, since you were expecting nothing of them in the first place. This may sound a bit extreme, a bit cynical, but I’ve been thinking like this for a few years now, and it works. When you approach life and people around you with this mentality, the key thing to be careful of is not becoming dismissive of other people and their ideas, and to be fair this is something I’ve struggled with at times. Getting better though.
Happiness is to come from personal objectives only, and maximising your Fundamentals can be one of these objectives. There is no getting away from it: once your Fundamentals are solid enough, people will notice you more, girl will treat you way better, life will be just better. Possibly you will generate a lot of attention, but with sexual conversion rate remaining low, but that’s fine, since you are not validating yourself through sex and notch count. Despite what a few guys keep saying online, in most countries girls call the shots both when it comes to sex and when it comes to relationships, and if they want to secure an obedient submissive boyfriend (this seems to be the trend I see around me), they have no problem whatsoever in achieving that. And guess what? As a result, if you want to live the bachelor’s life to the fullest, you will end up with unfavourable odds. And that’s fine, you accept the intersexual dynamics and social conditioning typical of where you live, you skew the odds in your favour, and you are careful of not becoming bitter.
You need to remember that you play a game which is rigged in your disfavour, starting from a position of clear disadvantage. Fact is, once you develop some real internal acceptance, which doesn’t require any external validation through things like getting girls, getting a girlfriend, etc, you will realise that girls can be fun, can be cute, can be a headache, can be a pain, can be sweet, can be bitches, etc. Girls can be a variety of things, but there is also something which instead they cannot/must not be: they cannot/must not be the source of your happiness and your sense of self-worth. If this is the case, you need to go back to working on your Inner Core Vibe. Girls are an add-on to your life only. In this day and age, your life must great with or without them, this mindset is essential.
But since having some sweet and feminine girls on top of your already awesome life can surely make it even more awesome, within two posts we will start talking about Game ;)