My letter to a Diva

Dear Diva,

I don’t know you personally, but I’ve met you countless times already. We have never interacted before, but I know your behaviour by heart.

And the reason why I’m writing this letter is because I wish things could be different between us, but I know this is unlikely to ever happen.

I know that you are sweet, I know that you are feminine, and I know that you are a good person overall. I’ve seen how you behave around guys you are not attracted to, and that’s the reason why I can say for sure that you are much much closer to a Sweet Girl than to a Bitch (and that, by the way, is a compliment in my book…).

Considering what I’ve just said, you may be wondering why I keep ruthlessly ignoring you just like I ignore the Bitches. And you may be wondering why I keep not making a move on you, despite the fact that you’ve let me know, in your own peculiar ways, that it would be indeed a very welcomed move. I’m writing this letter to address these two points.

You and a Sweet Girl are very similar around guys you are not attracted to, but very different around me.

When a Sweet Girl sees me, sometimes she giggles, other times she blushes, other times she becomes shy and intimidated. And I truly love how she authentically shows her emotions. She is not afraid to let me know how much she likes me. She doesn’t feel the need to appear as superior to me. She doesn’t feel the need to play any mind games with me. When I see a Sweet Girl, and after she has had the time to become comfortable with my presence, I always perceive her submissiveness towards me, and I always perceive how she would like someone like me to take care of her.

You, on the other side. You don’t want me to take care of you, no. You are not going to authentically show how much you like me, no. You are not comfortable in being submissive towards me, no. You expect me to admire you. You expect me to make you feel special. You expect me to chase you. You expect me to put effort to get you. You unconsciously plan on forever raising that bar, in order to make me work harder and harder for you. And to that I say:

Not on my watch.

You have a urge to validate yourself through my attention, and you are dying to see me running after you. But I’ve got some bad news for you, some very bad news, and you should have figured it out by know:

Ain’t happening.

Maybe you talked to that colleague of mine, the young intern with a crush on me. The very first time we interacted, it was during an informal gathering with the entire department. Someone had brought in cakes, and we were all talking to each other around the high table. At some point me and that young girl started talking to each other, and we were roughly two meters away. She had only arrived a few days earlier, and the fact that she had a crush on me was as clear as the fact that she was a Diva. During our conversation in not-so-close proximity, at some point she assumed that serious “femme-fatale” look, the look typical of a girl with an “hidden” agenda, and lowered her voice to make me get closer to her. Sure…

Emoji LOL

That’s what I refer to as “playing games,” and if on one hand you can’t blame her for trying, on the other hand you can’t blame me for cutting that conversation short and talking with someone else instead. As you may have guessed, I truly detest a girl resorting to power struggles and mind games. She wanted me to “work harder” for her, and she got herself dismissed instead. Shortly after she came next to me to continue the conversation. And since I’m a generous man, I welcomed her with a smile and we continued where we left.

Emoji angel

But that’s only one of the many times she tried to play those silly games with me. Maybe she also told you of the day when she decided not to greet me while entering the office, passing me by with that aloof expression on her face (snobbish expression, chin up, fake sense of superiority, and all that). Maybe she was expecting me to “put some effort” and call her by her name while she was pretending not to have seen me, so that she could have proceeded to “reward” me with her morning greeting… What a sophisticated plan! Again, you can’t blame her for trying, but you can’t blame me for ignoring her either. Did she tell you that the very same day she tried the very same move one more time, just passing by on the opposite direction this time around, and I kept ruthlessly ignoring her? And did she tell you that eventually she came by my desk, exclaiming “good morning!” with the sweetest smile on her face and her eyes wide open, and with an expression that give or take just meant:

Please forgive me for what I did before, and now please stop ignoring me because you are making me suffer as a result of my previous wrongdoing.

Did she tell you all that?! Once again, she must have realised I was not going to comply with her request to work harder for her, and she came around to indirectly apologise for having tried to bait me.

Or maybe you talked with the middle-aged woman who owns the hair salon where my hairdresser recently moved to. One day I entered that not-so-big saloon, and as part of my Greeting Routine, I said “good morning” loudly enough so that everyone there could hear me, while attempting to make eye contact with everyone. Everyone made eye contact back with me and greeted me, except that woman. She was very close to me, and she was actually facing me, but kept looking in the distance without acknowledging my arrival. No big deal. I sat down somewhere and just ignored her completely while waiting for my turn, as if she wasn’t there. And guess what?! At some point she came next to me and said “good morning!” with the same “please-forgive-me-I-won’t-do-it-again” expression displayed by the young intern at the office. Déjà-vu indeed, as certain behaviours seem to be innate…

Or maybe you talked to the girl working at the letting agency. Once I arrived there, and when we greeted each other upon my arrival she could barely resist giggling. I talked to my contact there, and as I was leaving I attempted to greet her again on my way out, as I always do with everyone there. She ignored me, looking straight in the distance and with that serious “femme-fatale” look on her face while. All right, another girl who was “too busy” for me… This happened twice, and there is not going to be a third time: last time I went at the letting agency, I ruthlessly ignored her both on my way in and on my way out, and she only has herself to blame if she looked so upset about it.

Or maybe you talked to the girl working at the reception of the gym. She always plays it cool when I arrive, but unfortunately for her I play it even cooler… Sometimes I arrive at the gym, and she’s not in the area just next to the entrance where all the staff usually is. No, she’s far away from that, “a full” three meters behind, sitting down at the desk with the computer, facing the entrance. In those occasions, I go through the usual Greeting Routine when I enter, and usually whoever is sitting back there at the desk raises their head as I pass by, so that we greet each other. That’s the standard procedure they follow with each and every member of the gym. Every now and then, this girl doesn’t raise her head when she’s there at the desk, possibly hoping for me to call her so that she can “reward” me by greeting me. But since it’s crystal clear that it’s just a little game, I pass by and ignore her instead. Ouch. The following time she is sitting at the desk, usually she seems to have understood the lesson and we greet each other with a smile as a pass by, then another time she tries to play the little game again and I ignore her, and so on and so forth. I never complied with her request to work harder for her, since I detest even the smallest of the mind games.

My dear Diva, the reason I ignore you completely, as if you didn’t exist, is because if I give you one finger, you will then expect the entire arm. For now… I know that you are overcompensating for your own insecurities, but this is not the right way to solve that issue. It’s not by using me that you will overcome your low self-esteem issue. Maybe you would briefly feel better if I complied with your request to work harder for you. But after that passing feeling of relief has gone, you would feel once again the need to start running away and make me work harder for you, so that you could benefit from another “shot” of that short-lived yet precious feeling of relief. This cycle will never stop, and even if I’m not sure this mechanism is clear to you, rest assured that it’s completely clear to me.

As such, and you should know it by now, as soon as I perceive any kind of Diva behaviour I proceed with an immediate write-off. You wanted to selfishly manipulate me and get some relief out of my attention, but your plan has backfired on you, and now your insecurities are even bigger as result. That’s an unfortunate outcome indeed, but you only have yourself to blame for that.

You want to be wanted, you want to be admired, you want me to work hard for you. My dear Diva, you are going against an entire life of Social Conditioning if you try to pull off that trick on me. Two decades of constant positive attention from women of all ages [1] have instilled a strong prize mentality deep inside me. And you are not going to shake this reality of mine with your childish behaviour and that “superior” expression on your face. Not only that, but you also need to consider that I come from a place of internal acceptance, I worked hard to reach this point, and along the way I have developed a strong distaste for any type of fakeness and try-hardness. And just so you know, your snobbish “superior” attitude screams fakeness and try-hardness all over. And finally, I quite detest people with a hack mentality, people who want to achieve something by using other people rather than by putting in some hard work. And when try to get some relief by making me work harder for you and by using me for my attention, that’s the “hack mentality” I was referring to before.

My dear Diva, if you accepted your own insecurities and were not afraid to show them to me, just like the Sweet Girls do, then I may consider making a move on you, if I found you attractive. And even if I didn’t find you attractive, I may consider teasing you and having friendly fun with you, just like I do with Non-Submissive Sweet Girls (see here: Types of girls).

But as long as I perceive fakeness and overcompensation in your actions. As long as I see that pretentious look on your face while you walk towards me with your chin up. And as long as I have the impression that you will keep throwing tests in my direction to make me work harder and harder for you. Until then, my dear, you will be a Diva and not a Sweet Girl. And you will force me to ignore you as a result.

I wish you all the best.

High Value Day Game

Notes:
[1] And in recent years from men as well. Interesting phenomenon here: I strongly dislike male attention, and I spend a lot of energy to fend it off, but surely it contributes to the prize mentality.

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