Approach Invitations

I hate them

When it comes to Approach Invitations (AIs), my opinion on the topic is very much clear: I don’t like them, for reasons which I will explain later on. Still, your opinions on the subject may be different compared to mine, so it’s useful to recap what they look like.

Let’s keep in mind that, when you are at the receiving end of an Approach Invitation, it’s your gut feeling which will clearly tell you that she wants you to approach her, but there is no harm in adding some external references that may come in handy as part of your decision-making process.

If you ever notice any of the signals discussed in this post, your gut feeling will tell you that she wants you to make a move. Then, when you remember that the very same signal was discussed in here, it will be like asking a friend of yours who happens to be right next to you:

Do you think she wants me to approach her?

And that friend will reply:

Yes.

But before looking at all the AIs I’m familiar with, let’s see why I don’t like them first.

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Summer 2017 was coming to an end, and after a few months of living in this new country, one thing had become crystal clear to me: without speaking the local language, I was getting nowhere outside of work. No big deal, I just proceeded to book a one-to-one intensive course with a language teacher.

I took time off work to go to the lessons and study the local language, because – and you should know it by now – I like doing one thing at the time, and I like doing it well. As such, one morning during the week I took the bus to go to the lesson.

I was standing in the middle of a not-so-crowded bus, holding myself onto one of the vertical bars, and a couple of girls who clearly didn’t know each other were holding onto the very same bar.

One of them had her vibe clearly perturbated, and at some point she put her headsets on and started dancing suavely. Textbook material of what an Approach Invitation looks like. I turned my head around to have a quick glance at her with my direct vision, but since I didn’t like her very much, I went back to looking straight in front of me. So far so good, but she was not finished yet.

Since she was really determined in her intentions, at some point she moved a bit closer to me, and she caressed the hand I was using to hold myself onto the vertical bar.

Oh shit, really?!

I didn’t really want to approach her, but since she had just put my virility on the line basically, I was left with no choice but to open her. The stop coming up was the main one of the line, the kind of stop where most people get off and then a whole different crowd gets in, so it was highly likely she was getting off there. My stop was the following one instead, but where I needed to go was pretty much in the middle of those two stops.

I made a sign inviting her to remove her headsets:

Hello.

Hello.

Where are you getting off?

Next stop.

Cool, we’ll get off together.

A good example of keeping things simple guys, also because let’s remember we were surrounded by other people on the bus.

The stop came, the door opened, but instead of getting off together – like two sane-minded individuals would have done given the circumstances – she basically run away, hoping I would start running after her.

Oh come on…seriously?!

Of course I did not run after her, and instead I proceeded to walk out of that hub at my own pace. Fact is, there was really only one way out, and eventually I bumped into her once again. She “happened” to be standing still, for no apparent reason whatsoever mind you, just close to the exit door.

We resumed the conversation from where we left it on the bus, as if nothing had happened in the meantime, but what had indeed happened is that she had proven herself to be a silly game-playing Diva.

We managed to have a brief and empty conversation while we were together on the escalator, and I decided that whichever direction she was going afterwards, I was going the opposite one. The conversation which followed started with this sentence of mine, half of which happened in my head only:

[All right let’s cut the crap] I would like to invite you for a walk.

I can’t.

You can’t?

That’s right, I can’t.

We were speaking the local language, and since I wasn’t very good at it, I thought she must have misunderstood what I said. As such I just repeated it more slowly:

I…   would like…    to invite you…    for a walk.

I can’t, I’ve got someone already.

You gotta be kidding me! You went out of your way to have me talk to you, you unsuccessfully tried to bait me in a silly way to have me work harder for you, I already showed you that I’m not going to play your silly games, and instead of processing all that in your mind and start acting accordingly… you keep throwing nonsense in my direction?!

Emoji face screaming fear

Seriously sweety, are you out of your mind?!

Emoji LOL

While all those thoughts were going on inside my head, I was looking at her with an unimpressed expression on my face, and without saying anything. That’s when she assumed a snobbish expression, she raised her phone mid-air, and she waived it slightly.

All right, so now you want me to take your phone number so that I can proceed to chase you via text, pretty much begging you to go out together until you decide that I have lost enough of my dignity and that I have made you feel enough as the prize, in order for you to finally “reward me” by accepting to go out together, only to then proceed to reschedule the date a couple of time just to make me work a bit harder still, and so on and so forth?!

Emoji face screaming fear

Needless to say, I just went away without saying any other word. What a horrible experience indeed.

This is the clearest example I can think of to prove my point that guys have everything to lose by acting upon an Approach Invitation.

AIs are just atrocious in terms of the Law of Equilibrium on Interests, they really are. The girl is basically sending you an instruction that you are to approach her, so that she can proceed to evaluate you while keeping the right to dismiss you at the first sign of anything she’s not exactly impressed of, and at the same time making sure that you are the only one whose ego is on the line.

There are multiple problems with all that. First off, I like sweet and graceful girls who would never be so forward with their intentions, mainly because they are shy. Then, the very fact that the girl is basically requesting me to approach her means that she thinks she’s the one calling the shots, and this is hardly the case. Finally, if you are so forward, how about you make eye contact with me even just for a split second, instead of keep doing all the irritating stuff which we are about to cover? I can guarantee you: eye contact even just for a split second would work much better than any of the other Approach Invitations, if I feel like approaching you. And if I don’t feel like approaching you after you have made eye contact with me, well, welcome into the world where rejection sucks.

My opinion on this topic should be clear by now, so let’s dive into the list of the classical Approach Invitations, should you wish to look for them and act upon them.

She lingers there briefly

This is the most subtle of the Approach Invitations, and as such it’s the one which provides the girl with the maximum amount of plausible deniability.

Let’s say you are at the supermarket looking at some products on a shelf, or maybe you are in a shop looking at the sunglasses in exposition, or maybe you are at the bus stop waiting for the bus, etc. Basically, you are somewhere minding your own business.

All of a sudden, a girl “casually” appears next you, pretending to be there for a reason which has nothing to do with you (sure). Maybe she has a quick and casual look around, as if she was confused and looking for something, or maybe she has a quick look at the products there while making a casual remark, or maybe she strikes a pose and has a quick look at herself in a surface which reflects like a mirror, etc. Her expression will be serious and distant, since she will be playing the role of the “femme fatale” who has not even noticed you (sure), but your gut will pick up on the little incongruences in her vibe. The fakeness of her indifference towards you will be unmissable, and you will have the clear feeling that she wants you to approach her – the ball is in your court basically.

Problem is though, more often than not she will either project an aloof vibe I don’t really appreciate, or she will fail to make the approach easy enough for me in terms of the Law of Equilibrium of Interests.

Let’s look at a couple of examples.

I was at the supermarket once, and I distinctly remember I was looking at some products on a shelf. While searching for the specific product I needed, a girl appeared next to me and she planted herself there, pretty much doing nothing. I mean, looking in the direction of the shelf of course, as if she was looking for a specific product, but doing nothing other than that.

Trust me guys, your gut is highly tuned to pick up on other people’s vibes, and if you make an effort to listen to what your gut is telling you, rather than overwrite that information with whatever you wish it would be telling you instead, you will have a very good idea of what’s going on around you.

And in that particular case, my gut was clearly telling me that the girl was there to be approached by me. I decided I was going to strike up a conversation with a situational remark, a pretty safe way just to check that she was indeed interested in me talking with her, and I turned around to say something pointless yet vaguely related to the situation. I did take an extra second before doing that, and when I finally turned around, I saw something I didn’t like: she looked slightly irritated of me having taken so long.

Text - What

Not only was I expected to do all the work (planting yourself there while doing nothing doesn’t really count, does it?), and not only was I expected to take all the risk of a possible rejection, but I was also required to proceed at the speed she was most comfortable with.

Seriously sweetie, are you out of your mind?!

And also, since you are so forward, so self-confident, so “femme fatale”, how about you make eye contact with me even just for a split second? It’s scary isn’t it, because then your plausible deniability goes out of the window, right? And instead it’s much better to leave all the work and all the risk of a possible rejection with me, keeping in mind that I’d better proceed at the rhythm you were thinking of, right??

Tell you what: you are not even remotely close to the graceful Sweet Girls I like, you don’t look submissive nor feminine in the slightest, you remind me of those girls who were interested in proving a pointless point by wanting to be in charge of silly things like deciding which way to go to reach the bar we were supposed to have drinks at, etc.

And having considered all that, since the point of this all is not to just fuck some more girls but rather to spend some quality time with girls I connect to, you can fuck off.

Text - Foxtrot Oscar.png

You are not going to believe it, but the second example happened in the very same aisle of the very same supermarket (the day at least was different). I was a bit further down the aisle looking at some different products, when all of a sudden a girl appeared next to me. She was pretending to be confusedly looking for something, but her vibe was unmissable.

All right, a situational remark was not going to hurt anyone, so I turned around just to say something pointless yet vaguely related to the situation, when I noticed something quite unsettling: she was playing the Diva role, wish a snobbish expression on her face and with headphones on her hears!!

My dear, I appreciate the fact that you want me to strike up a conversation with you, but in terms of the Law of Equilibrium of Interests this situation looks like a train wreck.

First off, you are wearing a snobbish Diva expression, hence I am pre-emptively taking into account that you may start acting like that colleague of yours I talked about at the beginning of this post.

Then, you have the headphones on. Let’s put aside the fact that some girls use the headphones as a deterrent, since there is also a meaningful proportion of girls who are just listening to some music instead. And let’s also put aside the fact that the girls who use the headphones as a deterrent, they want to be left in peace only by the guys they are not attracted to. But even considering all that, you are making things way too difficult for me.

A casual remark is out of question, since you are not supposed to hear what I say, even if there is a possibility you are not actually listening to music but just wearing the headphones because you think they will make you appear as unreachable and in-demand (sure).

What am I supposed to do? Ask you to remove the headphones so that I can talk to you? That’s really waaay too much effort, we have only just met and you are asking me to work harder for you already, while at the same time depriving me of the plausible deniability that a low-effort situational remark can give. No my dear, this is not the way to go, you can keep listening to your music.

With this kind of Approach Invitation, the girl will quickly disappear if you don’t act quickly, since in theory she was there for reasons which had nothing to do with you.

And also, she will usually look a bit angry/disappointed while going away. Oh well.

She coughs while you pass by

The building I live in is along a narrow one-way street, and just on the other side of the street there is a letting agency. There was a time when almost every time I was leaving the building, a particular girl who used to work there was outside smoking a cigarette. She was on the sidewalk on the other side of the street, but no more than 10 metres away from me. And by “pure coincidence”, she “happened to” cough pretty loudly every time I was passing by.

Textbook-material of what an Approach Invitation looks like, with the usual drawback that comes with it: a couple of times I turned around to look at her, but she kept on making no eye contact. Rather, she kept assuming the same pose while looking straight in front of her, with the self-assuredness typical of a Sweet Bitch and basically awarding herself the object-of-desire role while expecting me to put all the effort (her coughing wasn’t really what I call “effort”, rather it was just her sending me an instruction).

In her mind, things should have gone like this I think: even if I was planning on going on a completely different direction, I was supposed to cross the street, come up with something to say to strike up a conversation, make sure the conversation was of her liking, eventually ask her out, let her decide if I was worthy enough of her, then put up with the same Diva attitude via text, etc.

No, no, no.

She had the Law of Equilibrium of Interests figured out all wrong, and surely I couldn’t perceive any sweetness nor any submissiveness in her.

As such, I just kept going every single time this happened, and to be fair I invite you to do the same.

She nudges you

I could tell you a lot of stories here, but since this post starts to resemble a diary, let’s jump straight to the gist of the matter.

If you don’t react to one of the more subtle AIs covered above, and if the two of you are not too far away, and if she really wants you to approach her, and if she is not shy at all, then she will nudge you.

This can happen in many different ways: she can nudge your laptop bag while you are standing up at the bus stop and she “casually” passes by you, she can elbow you while you are close to each other on the bus, she can “casually” throw herself in your direction every single time the bus bumps a little, she can caress your hand as we saw in the very first example of this post, etc.

For some reason this all seems very much wrong to me, mainly because the girls who are so forward in their intentions are also the same ones who will then react bitchy if one day you try to cuddle them after sex, they are the ones who think they call the shots in the bedroom (e.g. they want to use the condoms they have in their purse instead of yours, they are non-submissive, etc.), they are not graceful nor kind, and as such I will happily leave those “catches” to the R-selected PUAs.

She assumes a Diva pose

This next story I need to tell you about it, because it just goes to show that some girls have watched way too many movies, and as such their expectations of how things work in the real world are off.

I was at the supermarket on a warm summer day, and while I was looking for some products I happened to be a couple of times in the same area together with a normal-looking girl who was half naked (it can get very warm around here at summer, so she was not being an attention whore but rather she was dressed for the local high temperatures).

Once more, your gut will clearly differentiate between the girls who haven’t even noticed you and maybe they want nothing to do with you (maybe, you need to approach them to find out), and the girl who are pretending not to have seen you, but they are actually interested in you. She was in this latter group.

I didn’t like her particularly to start with, then she was wearing that aloof and unimpressed Diva expression I don’t quite appreciate, and finally she didn’t make any eye contact with me, since she was pretending to not have noticed me. Hence, no situational opener for her.

I paid for my shopping and started walking back home. Straight after leaving the supermarket, I noticed that the girl was sitting down on a doorstep a bit further down the road. She had one of her naked legs stretched in front of her, and her head was turned sideways while she was looking the other way away from me (see picture at the beginning of the post).

I mean, maybe she was just resting, or maybe she was waiting for a friend of hers who lived there, or maybe a thousand other possible things… but since earlier on I had not perceived any submissiveness in her, and since she was still playing the part of the “unreachable woman who has not even noticed you”… considering all that I decided she could have continued to do whatever she was doing. Again, no approach for her.

As I walked past her though, I heard a disappointed noise which I don’t even know what is called in English, but to understand what I’m talking about, just imagine a kid on Christmas day who eagerly opens the gifts hoping to find the toy of his dreams he asked for, only to realise that there is no sign of that toy. Tears follow.

The girl in question didn’t cry, of course, but what the hell was she disappointed about? She kept pretending not to have seen me while playing the part of the in-demand Diva (fatal error), she had the Law of Equilibrium of Interest figured out all wrong, and as such she wasn’t approached by me. Simple as that.

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The above Approach Invitations I don’t like them at all, since the girls sending those “invitations” are either too non-submissive or too Diva or too game-playing for my liking.

But then there are also some different Approach Invitations which are much sweeter, let’s say that all in all they aren’t too bad.

She plants herself there

The big difference between the “she lingers there briefly” Approach Invitation and this one is that here the girl is younger and much less experienced. On top of that, she is also used to deal with guys her age who are a bit clueless themselves, and as such she is going to be blatant with her Approach Invitation.

The girl is usually in company of a girlfriend of hers, and the two of them will plant themselves somewhere next to you for quite a long time, waiting for you to make a move.

They are so cute, they are so inexperienced, they are so adorable.

She asks for information

This one is a bit rarer, and in the very moment it happens you may even think that the girl is only interested in you providing her with the information she has asked for. But remember guys, when a girl is around a man, there is no randomness whatsoever in her actions. Plus, the questions I’m talking about are usually so pointless and so obvious that in hindsight it will be clear how she really didn’t stop you just to ask for information.

But still, things happen so quickly and maybe you are absorbed in your own thoughts in that very moment, hence it’s easy to miss the short timespan you have available to change gear. Because she’s not going to escalate things herself, and that’s a good thing since you are the man and you are in charge of the escalation. But at the same time this means that either you promptly change gear and move the interaction forward, or she thanks you for the information and goes away.

This example shows that when you are stopped by someone while you are busy doing something, or maybe busy thinking about something, at the very beginning you are likely to be slightly surprised or slightly confused by the situation. You need a second to check the background and figure out the situation, before focusing your attention on the person in front of you.

It’s normal, and the same thing happens when you approach a girl who hasn’t noticed you beforehand. At the very beginning she may instinctively be slightly surprised/confused/defensive, and it’s only normal. Keep your cool, stay relaxed, and give her that few seconds needed for her to check the background and figure out what’s going on, before delivering your real opener. When I cover my daygame opener, you will better see what I’m talking about here.

And by the way, the above dynamic is the reason why I prefer to approach only after receiving an Indicator of Attraction: after the IOA the ice has already been broken in a way, and a pleasant interaction is pretty much guaranteed, whether she’s taken or not, whether she can give you her number or not.

She starts walking in front of you

Sometimes you are on the sidewalk walking somewhere, and there is a girl who is say 5 metres in front of you. She’s walking towards you and she’s a bit to your left or to your right. And all of a sudden, she moves in your trajectory and starts walking exactly towards you. She always looks down, but she doesn’t display any of the classical Indicators of Attraction.

I don’t know, maybe in a movie there is a similar scene where the two people bump into each other and then proceed to marry and live happily ever after. To be honest I don’t really know how things are supposed to unfold in the girl’s head, but approaching in those circumstances never seemed smooth enough or casual enough in terms of the Law of Equilibrium of Interests to me.

She plants in your trajectory

This is a cute one. Sometimes you are walking somewhere, and you notice that a girl, who is say 10 or 15 meters in front of you, has planted herself exactly on your trajectory. She pretends to be looking at her phone while facing exactly you. I mean, you could argue that she’s being a Diva just like the supermarket girl discussed above, but first off in this case she’s not looking the other way meaning that the situation is not as disastrous in terms of the Law of Equilibrium of Interests as the other one, plus this kind of AI doesn’t put me off in the same way that the typical snobbish Diva pose does.

In this specific case, there is no pretentiousness whatsoever within the girl, she’s just trying to make the approach easy for you. At the same time, she leaves on the table some of the magic she dreams about, according to which things “just happen”, and a guy she likes hits on her while she was “just checking something on her phone”.

***        ***        ***

All right guys, those are the Approach Invitations I’m familiar with.

Let’s now assume a girl stumbles into this blog post, she starts reading it, and she goes like:

Uhm apparently this move is not good, this one he doesn’t like it either, this other one isn’t much better… what am I supposed to do to get the attention of a guy I like?!

Good point: what is a girl supposed to do, considering that the above Approach Invitations are all a bit meh?

Well, I would say that it very much depends on type of guy you want to attract. Let’s assume you are a sweet and feminine girl who is in peace with herself and doesn’t feel the need to play games (drama-seeking broken women are out, same as bitter and masculine modern feminists). And let’s say that you are interested in a masculine guy who in turn is in peace with himself as well (we leave the overcompensating Try-Hards to the overcompensating attention whores, and the SJWs to the bitter feminists).

In this ideal scenario, I’d say something like this is much better than any of the Approach Invitations covered above.

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Maybe you are a bit shy and smiling so freely feels a bit scary to you? This one will still do wonders, because it shows that you are cute and feminine.

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Feeling more courageous? There you go.

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